Helping Teens Take Ownership: Understanding the Struggle of Responsibility

Parenting can often feel like navigating a minefield, especially when it comes to teens and their responsibilities. Many parents find themselves frustrated when their children fail to take ownership of their responsibilities and mistakes. “Why won’t they just acknowledge what they’ve done?” is a common lament.

This struggle can lead to increased conflict that often looks something like this:

A parent confronts their teen about something they’ve done wrong, or something they’ve failed to do.

The teen becomes defensive, explosive, or disrespectful in response.

The parent matches that explosive energy.

The conflict continues until everyone leaves angry.

As parents, it’s important to understand (1) why our teens struggle with responsibility, (2) how we can empower them to take ownership of their life, and (3) the benefits we’ll see when our teens become more responsible.

Understanding the Struggle for Responsibility

So, why do teens struggle with taking responsibility?

1. They’re in a developmental stage that lends itself to pulling away. During adolescence, teens are in a critical stage of identity development. Their task is to solidify who they are and who they want to be. This tends to mean that they’re more reactive and/or guarded. They naturally seek autonomy and want to assert themselves as separate individuals. This developmental stage can often result in defensiveness when confronted about responsibilities. Kids grow up being part of a family and as they become teens, it’s healthy and normal for them to want to be seen as separate.
2. They want power. Power is one of the main goals of teen misbehavior. Power struggles happen when a teen wants to be seen as their own, separate person. When a parent comes in to hold their teen accountable, there’s a natural desire for the teen to want to maintain their power. Part of a teen’s self-worth and self-esteem is feeling that they can do things on their own. A person who feels powerless also feels unable. Teens need to know they have the power to change and grow to have positive self-esteem. When parents come in to strip power away, their natural reaction is to push back.
3. It can be scary. All humans experience difficult emotions when called out on something. Our defenses tend to go up when we feel guilt or shame. Our natural response is to self-protect. As adults, we would have a similar feeling if we’re called out by our boss – but the hope is that we’re able to regulate ourselves in that moment and maintain proper perspective. Teens don’t necessarily have that ability yet. They experience a surge of emotions that can make owning up to mistakes particularly challenging.
4. Sometimes, it works in the teen’s favor. Blame shifting, or not taking responsibility, allows teens to get their parents “off their back” and leave them alone. Teens may not take responsibility because, depending on how the parent responds, it may help them get what they want. When we shield or rescue our kids from what would otherwise be a helpful learning experience for them, we can enable them to want to continue blame shifting.

Empowering Teens to Own Their Responsibilities

So, what can parents do to help their teens take ownership?

1. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities: This is the number one most important thing parents can do. Instead of shielding your teen from all consequences, allow them to experience the natural outcomes of their actions. Mistakes can be valuable teaching moments, helping teens learn responsibility and resilience.

Our job as parents is to protect our children. Shielding them from consequences they aren’t able to developmentally handle yet is good. However, our best intentions get in the way and sometimes we keep our kids from making any mistakes or having any consequences. We love our kids and we don’t want them to hurt, suffer or feel bad. But, when we become overprotective, we can rob them of the learning that comes from those mistakes.

2. Identify Problem Ownership: Recognize which problems your teen can handle and which should be managed by you. There are some situations a teen can “own” and take responsibility for. There are other problems that a parent should own, and there are others that can have “shared ownership.”

Here’s a problem that teens can own: schoolwork, grades and getting to school. In many situations, we see this cycle: a teen doesn’t do their work or get the grades they’re capable of. The parent steps in by constantly checking their grades online and nagging them to perform. The teen, seeing that the parent has stepped in, steps back – producing the opposite outcome from what the parent desires. If we want our teens to take more ownership and responsibility, we have to allow them to. We allow them to by not jumping in and taking control in situations where they are capable. One of the best things we can do for our teens is to simply allow them to stumble through the process. This will help them learn and ultimately gain self-esteem and confidence.

Here’s a problem that parents can own: drinking and driving. Let’s say you find out that your teen is drinking and driving. The natural consequence of such behavior could be getting arrested or causing physical harm to himself or someone else. This is a natural consequence that you want to (and should) protect your teen from experiencing. Where a natural consequence happens automatically as the result of an action, a logical consequence is an intervention on behalf of the parent – something reasonable and timebound – that is related to the offense. For example, a logical consequence for drinking and driving would be losing the car or the ability to socialize for a period of time. These consequences are a teaching aid that helps correct the teen’s behavior when they’re not ready to experience the natural consequence.

3. Involve Other Adults: Coaches, teachers, or mentors can play a significant role in encouraging responsibility. When teens hear the same message from multiple sources, it reinforces the importance of taking ownership without creating conflict at home. Parents should try not to undermine other trusted authority figures and allow these influences to move the teen in a positive direction.
4. Adopt a Curious Mindset: Instead of coming in with judgments or “I told you so” statements, approach conversations with curiosity. Ask questions and engage your teen in discussions about their choices, fostering a supportive environment. This will encourage teens to speak more openly about situations, rather than shutting down instantly.
5. Regulate Your Emotions: Parents’ emotional responses can heavily influence the situation. It’s hard to have a curious mindset and calmly ask your teen questions about a decision they’ve made, when you aren’t able to control your response as a parent. Strive to manage your own feelings to create a calmer, more constructive dialogue with your teen.

The Benefits of Ownership

Encouraging teens to take ownership comes with numerous benefits:

1. Improved Relationships: Less lecturing and more empathy can lead to stronger connections between parents and teens. When teens feel trusted and respected, they’re more likely to seek help from parents when needed. Allowing them to have autonomy and experience appropriate failure without nagging them will go a long way!
2. Increased Self-Esteem: Taking on responsibilities empowers teens and boosts their confidence. They learn they are capable of handling challenges on their own. When parents rescue and shield, they’re sending the subconscious message to the child that they can’t do it on their own. We have to remember that responsible kids feel good about themselves.
3. Better Communication: Giving teens space to express themselves fosters open communication. The more we’re on top of them, the more they’ll feel stifled and not want to share. It is the parent’s job to teach – but not necessarily in moments where we’re reacting emotionally. When parents are less intrusive and lead more with action than with words, teens are more likely to share their thoughts and feelings.

Seeking Professional Help

While parenting teens can be daunting, understanding the developmental changes they are experiencing and implementing strategies to encourage responsibility can lead to healthier relationships and empowered young adults. Less may truly be more—allowing teens to learn from their mistakes while providing guidance can help them navigate the path to adulthood with confidence. Sometimes parents need help in bridging the gap with their teen. A counselor can be a trusted authority figure that can speak into the situation and help bring parents and teens closer together. We offer both counseling for teens, as well as parent & family counseling. If you’re hoping for a stronger relationship with your teenager or want help in encouraging them to take ownership, contact our office. We’re located near Greenville, SC and have a team of counselors available who can help! Our Intake Coordinator can be reached at 864-214-2084 (option 1) or at info@wellspringgreenville.com.